worth what?

worth what if you dont know how to act? worth what if everything .. every little thing breaks you ? worth what if he doesn't want to to stay ? worth what if he's use to laughing but you make him cry? worth what if you break the one thing that means the world to him ? worth what if you can toss that out the window? worth what? worth nothing.

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Your chest

As i lay here on your chest i start to think. Why do i love him so much? What is it that he does that no one else has or can do? For some strange reason these questions remain slightly unanswered. All i know is that you give me the world in an envelope with a white rose attached. Everytime one passes you replace it like a rebirth. Our love so much like a white rose laying, resting, parlaying on your chest. Pure love. Clean and untampered with. The dying process is each argument, disagreement, issue, problem we have thats dying and then a blossom, a replacement a rebirth of our pure love safely placed on your chest. Protected by any means necessary. Sweetly uniting us heart to heart linking our minds soothing our souls and caressing our hearts our everlasting pure white rose death and rebirth safely on your strong warm and loving chest.

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Just don't get it ..

After last night, I figured the way things would be between us would tweak a little bit. I mean, not completely change but just tweak. The way we handle our issues. I did a good job so why can't he? I know there is something on his mind thats bothering him but he won't tell me. He would just push me away. How can we grow if he won't talk to me? I really just don't get it. We are suppose to be the perfect couple that argues and then talk about it. That's how we wanted to be and it happened for some time but not all the time. I wonder if its me. Am I doing something wrong? I just don't get it.

So iin love ..

I love that he goes out of his way to make me happy and comfortable. He walks from west bubble fuck just to see and spend time with me. He stays with me at night. He gets me food. He kisses my feet just to make me happy. (He hates feet). He kisses my booboos. He holds me tight. There is so much more but to make a long story short, he CARES and he LOVES like no other. We argue like we hate each other just to make up and apologize and to kiss and go back to loving. (Not that we ever stop). We love each other so much that we hate each other and I love every moment, minute, second of it. He is the absolute BEST in being my boyfriend that he upgraded to being my husband without the paper work. My POV is fuck the paper work. I dedicate myself to you, you dedicate yourself to me so when the money is there to celebrate our loved with our friends, family and loved ones and to have a million honeymoons in the course of a year then that will be done. But as of right now, the title is there and I have officially signed my heart over to you. Like you say, "You are my world," You are my everything. Life without it isn't a life lived. Your the something like the best thing that ever happened to me more like the greatest blessing that I've ever received and never will I ever let you go. I live laugh love you Naquain Willoughby COY. My Husband, my best friend, my lover to the end, my everything!

So..You..Say

SMh. I feel like I can't have consideration for anyone's feelings being in a relationship. My bestie has issues and hates life because he doesn't want to be single and relationships just aren't working out for him right at this point in time. So instead of shutting him down and saying I'm just going to talk to you tomorrow my boyfriend wants me to say "I'm chilling with my boyfriend so I'm going to talk to you tomorrow." Or maybe something along the lines of that. I understand that its after hours and its bad enough that I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends lately and they all pretty much hate me and want to curse me out every time we speak but at the same time, not being there for a friend knowing that they need you is over doing it. And then to top it off, I'm basically rubbing it in their face saying well I have a significant other and you don't so fuck you until I have time for you makes it even worse. But my point of view is bullshit, as usual. Nothing new though. Then I get the "Well I wonder if she's claiming me?" Or "Is she doing funny shit?" Like seriously, what am I to do? Can't have the best of both worlds I see. Trust is going "THAT WAY," I feel. And all I could do is SMh and say, "So you say .. "

Didn't ask me ..

It just feels like, even though it may not be, the respect level is |  | that thick. Pretty offensive if you ask me. Because if "HE" asked me I would surely give him the answer that he wants. I hate the look, the smell, the taste and overall just the fact. I wish he would just, QUIT. It's only as hard as you make it. It becomes an addiction when  you no longer control the urge. You let the urge control you. I'm not saying its suppose to be easy or something but at least if not for yourself, do it for me. QUIT for me. And if in the event you decide you don't want to QUIT at least show me an ounce of respect by1. Not doing it in front of me 2. Not kissing/talking to me with the smell and last but certainly NOT LEAST 3. Don't ask me for money to support the habit. I don't think it's at all respectful to me and it sort of hurts me. And it hurts even MORE to know that you're fully aware of the effect it has on me and that doesn't sway your decision at all. It doesn't even change the time as to when you'll do it so that I don't see and or smell it. Quite insulting on my behalf if you ask me. But wait. You didn't ask me. Of all things to forget, how could I forget that my opinion in that matter isn't valued??

Just don't know =/

After hours, spending quality time with the love of her life. The phone rings, he answers. It's a girl name Lisa he claims not to know but he tells her to call him back. Been there, done that. It's been plenty of times where I would get a call from a shorty while with another shorty and I would play the same role he did. But that doesn't necessarily mean that its the same script. Could be the same role, different script. Whether its the same or not I feel a way about it. Couldn't have been me. My phone would've rang with that tone of voice from the opposite sex would've killed me all the way. Had me in tears, in the bathroom ready to shed blood. Again. Because I know he would feel a way about it and even if it wasn't what he thought it was like most of the time it isn't, I would've felt like shit all the way and the only way I could possibly feel better was to jog while shedding blood. I know it sounds crazy but when I get the jitters, with my anger issues, a nice little jog around the block even though I can barely keep breath, can help calm me down. And the blood comes from my new developed feeling of having to hurt myself in order to TRY and make the situation right. He hurts, I hurt. Not that that solves anything at all but at the time it feels right. I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to bring it up. Honestly, I want to pretend it never even happened. Because there's no possible way that I should have the same talk with him that he has with me. Since when though? And this all makes me feel like okay. Lets just say he does in fact know this Lisa character a few questions come to mind. Questions like, does she know about me? where does he know her from? (I can tell they just met) Gosh .. please don't tell me my insecurities have reason behind them and it wasn't all in my head. That's what I hoped was the case. Let it be in my head. It can't be reality. Please. I try, I try so hard to play my part. Be a good girlfriend. No cheating none of that. If he's doing it to me .. smh .. I don't know HOW I could trust again. I use to SWEAR for him. My boyfriend is NOT the type but now I just don't know. =/