Just don't know =/

After hours, spending quality time with the love of her life. The phone rings, he answers. It's a girl name Lisa he claims not to know but he tells her to call him back. Been there, done that. It's been plenty of times where I would get a call from a shorty while with another shorty and I would play the same role he did. But that doesn't necessarily mean that its the same script. Could be the same role, different script. Whether its the same or not I feel a way about it. Couldn't have been me. My phone would've rang with that tone of voice from the opposite sex would've killed me all the way. Had me in tears, in the bathroom ready to shed blood. Again. Because I know he would feel a way about it and even if it wasn't what he thought it was like most of the time it isn't, I would've felt like shit all the way and the only way I could possibly feel better was to jog while shedding blood. I know it sounds crazy but when I get the jitters, with my anger issues, a nice little jog around the block even though I can barely keep breath, can help calm me down. And the blood comes from my new developed feeling of having to hurt myself in order to TRY and make the situation right. He hurts, I hurt. Not that that solves anything at all but at the time it feels right. I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to bring it up. Honestly, I want to pretend it never even happened. Because there's no possible way that I should have the same talk with him that he has with me. Since when though? And this all makes me feel like okay. Lets just say he does in fact know this Lisa character a few questions come to mind. Questions like, does she know about me? where does he know her from? (I can tell they just met) Gosh .. please don't tell me my insecurities have reason behind them and it wasn't all in my head. That's what I hoped was the case. Let it be in my head. It can't be reality. Please. I try, I try so hard to play my part. Be a good girlfriend. No cheating none of that. If he's doing it to me .. smh .. I don't know HOW I could trust again. I use to SWEAR for him. My boyfriend is NOT the type but now I just don't know. =/